My usual mode of operation is a “glass half-full” and “rainbow after the storm” mentality. Most of what I write about seeks to guide myself and others toward a positive outlook in the midst of chaos and pain. However, in the spirit of true authenticity, I must address those times when you just need to feel what you’re feeling and sit in the pain and discomfort of the moment. Sure, there might be rainbows around the corner. However, right in this moment, it’s perfectly fine if there are no rainbows in sight.
This is where I find myself today. Right now, I sit, bruised by the attack of words hurled at me by my 12 year old son with autism. He is experiencing lingering anger from earlier in the day and has not yet let it go. Nothing major, he just had to do something that he didn’t want to. He has been yelling, screaming, and cursing at me and our family. At one point he yelled, “Fuck you!” and ran out the front door. Luckily Dad was outside and could protect him from danger. Still, I sit, uncomfortable and wondering, what now? He’s getting bigger, soon to be a teenager. No friends, social skills still developing, strong in computer technology, a talented violinist, uninterested in general education. What now? How do I prepare him for independence? Will he be independent? Can he survive independently? All these questions stream through my mind as I sit in this moment, feeling hurt. It’s not how I want it to be, that’s for sure. But to focus on what is NOT, only deepens the pain. Focusing on what IS also ushers in a bombardment of discomfort. Still, I sit, in this moment, feeling it all. Letting the tears fall is actually comforting. For me, it’s a sign of surrender. It’s me saying, “This is what IS!” This is my rain. Feeling it without a filter is sitting in the rain without an umbrella. I sit with it all day, and the rain is pouring.
What is your rain? What umbrella do you use to shield yourself from the rain? What happens when you just don’t feel like or even want to hold the umbrella? Please know, you don’t have to! You don’t have to shield yourself. You don’t have to see the rainbow all the time. Actually, just being, just sitting in the rain, is all that you can do – and that’s ok.
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